I'm currently reading a book, entitled Absolute Surrender, by Andrew Murray. He has a lot of depth of thought in each page, and so far I am loving it. Because of this book, it has me thinking and pondering about surrender. I titled this for this post, but i feel like I could start talking about other things as well, so bear with me if I do.
I find myself trying to jump and run before I can walk with regards to job searching. I want to rush and discover what the Lord's will is and then adjust to that immediately. I think He will bless me in this endeavor, but I'm not incredibly patient. The beautiful thing about living at home is that my living expenses have decreased dramatically. However, I do not want to remain at home for months on end because it is my ultimate desire to be fully independent. The next few months will be great to establish that platform, I just need to be patient and trust that He will provide. I'd prefer sooner rather than later... but we shall see.
Back to surrender... it takes a daily act for us to live in surrender. I want to satisfy and gratify my flesh on a daily, even hourly basis... whether its indulging in extra sleep or desiring to be idle, I have to pray daily for the full armor of God and His strength to aid me in my constant struggle to surrender to Him. Its funny how often I fail miserably, but there is a beautiful thing called grace, as He will raise me up on my feet to try again. And again.
Through time, I hope to be made holy by the Lord, so that I can be missional and love others sacrificially as He does so everyday. As a start, I'm trying to take full use of every opportunity given to me, and I know that He is ultimately sovereign over all.
This is a pretty random post, but that's okay since it is my blog. More to come later, perhaps.
19 April 2011
02 April 2011
Sunset with Lions?
So today was our last day at Thunder Ranch. After an early dinner, I wanted to cap off the relaxing last couple days with a nice hike to watch the sunset. I got a new lens before going on this trip, and I wanted another opportunity to try it out and get some cool shots. Out hiking in the wilderness to watch the sunset is slightly different than going along the beach to take in another beautiful scene... especially while alone. As I was on my way out with merely warm clothes, my camera, cell phone and a flash flight, Clint (the awesome man we had been filming the previous three days) stopped me in my tracks and proceeded to outfit me with a .44 magnum, extra ammo, and a long-range walkie talkie. He informed me they have had numerous mountain lion sightings and dusk is a prime time for them to go out looking for prey. Needless to say, I was a little nervous while embarking on my hike!
On the trail, the adventurous little boy in me was hoping to encounter a lion because then I could brag how I fended it off, but the more rational side of me figured it would be best just to make it back unscathed without having to defend myself. Initially, I wanted to do a prayer walk along with taking pictures. But upon being outfitted with a gun and with Clint admonishing me about the prevalence of mountain lions in the area, I felt it would be in my best interests to remain focused on the trail ahead and my periphery. As awesome as it is to go out and appreciate the Lord's creation, I didn't want to be careless and negligent and be unaware of my surroundings. In a sense, I was leaning on the Lord asking for His protection and for His will while I was on this hike!
On the primarily snow-covered trail there were tracks of all kinds, which made me a little bit weary about proceeding. Most of the tracks were easily identifiable as those of a deer of some kind, but there were some questionable tracks that were rather large and round... I'm not sure if those were the tracks of maybe a coyote of some kind, or indeed of a mountain lion. One set of tracks had small prints running along side those of a larger animal... so it could have been an adult lion with a cub. I'm thankful I did not find out for sure whose tracks those were. The more tracks I saw, the more intimidated I became because I figured with all the tracks there was bound to be a lot of animal activity. But I kept pressing on, and actually enjoyed taking a little bit of a risk.
I got to the top of the hill and was able to take in the sunset... it was nothing special, as I have seen dozens upon dozens of beautiful sunsets at Santa Barbara. But it was cool getting to be in what is known as the "Oregon Outback" with an element of danger of running into a mountain lion. Fortunately for me and for a mountain lion, I did not cross paths with any animals so everyone enjoyed a safe evening.
I'm not entirely sure the point of me blogging about this anti-climatical experience, but I gotta say it was a pretty cool feeling that Clint gave me the gun he uses to protect himself to protect me. Having a .44 mag across my chest felt pretty cool and it was rather exciting to take a risk and enjoy the sunset with the prospect of running into a mountain lion. Its just not something that happens too much!
The cool thing about partaking in that sunset is there was a certain rawness to it. I hope that doesn't sound too incredibly weird, but what I mean is that it was rather dangerous taking it all in. On a normal day, I don't have to worry about encountering any particular threat when I'm out in nature watching a sunset. Generally, there will be people around or it just won't be remote enough for threatening animals to be in close proximity. In this case, I was all alone, and had to rely on my senses to ensure I made it back safely. Maybe there were no lions about near where I was, but the potential of running into something wild was exciting and took me back to the days when the elements of the wild could easily overtake humans. I think that is where the rawness comes into play, I didn't take my safety for granted... as I so often do.
Even though I didn't pray or praise the Lord for as long as I wanted to, it was cool experiencing His creation is such a profound, refreshing way. And it felt pretty cool having the ability to protect myself with a .44 mag!
Oregon has been great, and it has been so much fun staying at Thunder Ranch with Clint and Heidi, they're great people and wonderful hosts. I'm looking forward to heading back home though, but first two fun-filled days in Mammoth!!
On the trail, the adventurous little boy in me was hoping to encounter a lion because then I could brag how I fended it off, but the more rational side of me figured it would be best just to make it back unscathed without having to defend myself. Initially, I wanted to do a prayer walk along with taking pictures. But upon being outfitted with a gun and with Clint admonishing me about the prevalence of mountain lions in the area, I felt it would be in my best interests to remain focused on the trail ahead and my periphery. As awesome as it is to go out and appreciate the Lord's creation, I didn't want to be careless and negligent and be unaware of my surroundings. In a sense, I was leaning on the Lord asking for His protection and for His will while I was on this hike!
On the primarily snow-covered trail there were tracks of all kinds, which made me a little bit weary about proceeding. Most of the tracks were easily identifiable as those of a deer of some kind, but there were some questionable tracks that were rather large and round... I'm not sure if those were the tracks of maybe a coyote of some kind, or indeed of a mountain lion. One set of tracks had small prints running along side those of a larger animal... so it could have been an adult lion with a cub. I'm thankful I did not find out for sure whose tracks those were. The more tracks I saw, the more intimidated I became because I figured with all the tracks there was bound to be a lot of animal activity. But I kept pressing on, and actually enjoyed taking a little bit of a risk.
I got to the top of the hill and was able to take in the sunset... it was nothing special, as I have seen dozens upon dozens of beautiful sunsets at Santa Barbara. But it was cool getting to be in what is known as the "Oregon Outback" with an element of danger of running into a mountain lion. Fortunately for me and for a mountain lion, I did not cross paths with any animals so everyone enjoyed a safe evening.
I'm not entirely sure the point of me blogging about this anti-climatical experience, but I gotta say it was a pretty cool feeling that Clint gave me the gun he uses to protect himself to protect me. Having a .44 mag across my chest felt pretty cool and it was rather exciting to take a risk and enjoy the sunset with the prospect of running into a mountain lion. Its just not something that happens too much!
The cool thing about partaking in that sunset is there was a certain rawness to it. I hope that doesn't sound too incredibly weird, but what I mean is that it was rather dangerous taking it all in. On a normal day, I don't have to worry about encountering any particular threat when I'm out in nature watching a sunset. Generally, there will be people around or it just won't be remote enough for threatening animals to be in close proximity. In this case, I was all alone, and had to rely on my senses to ensure I made it back safely. Maybe there were no lions about near where I was, but the potential of running into something wild was exciting and took me back to the days when the elements of the wild could easily overtake humans. I think that is where the rawness comes into play, I didn't take my safety for granted... as I so often do.
Even though I didn't pray or praise the Lord for as long as I wanted to, it was cool experiencing His creation is such a profound, refreshing way. And it felt pretty cool having the ability to protect myself with a .44 mag!
Oregon has been great, and it has been so much fun staying at Thunder Ranch with Clint and Heidi, they're great people and wonderful hosts. I'm looking forward to heading back home though, but first two fun-filled days in Mammoth!!
01 April 2011
Not Strong Enough
One of the benefits of a long car ride with a Christian satellite radio station is that you are bound to hear a song or two that you haven't heard before. This benefit is coupled with the possibility of hearing a song that you have both a) never heard and b) speaks some truth to you in a rad way.
Wednesday's car ride provided just that for me. It was a song by Matthew West, called "Strong Enough." Here's a sampling of the lyrics:
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough for the both of us
Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out
This song spoke a lot to me about my struggles of the previous couple months. There were times when I knew that I could not operate on my own strength and the only way that I was going to make it was through His strength. It was a minute-by-minute battle at times that I would have to actively surrender to Him and ask for His strength to sustain me. It was a period of sustained 'stretching' -- meaning that I felt continually exerted and fatigued both emotionally, physically, and spiritually. But it was a great time, as my walk with the Lord became so beautiful and intimate. There were times where I knew that only through His strength would allow me to get through that day. And then I would pray the following morning for strength to get through that day... it was an encouraging way to start my day as opposed to wallowing in self-pity as a result of my unenviable circumstances.
An encouraging passage for me was in Exodus, when the Lord provides for the Israelites in crazy, supernatural ways. Leading them out of Egypt was gnarly in itself, but He loved them so much that He stuck with them knowing that they would fall away from Him. He even provided for them when they would grumble and complain against Him. In Exodus 16, the Lord provides manna for the Israelites six days out of the week (with the seventh being the Sabbath, so they would collect twice as much on the sixth day). The days before the Sabbath, some of the Israelites would get greedy and try to take extra and store it for the next day. However, the manna would be filled with bugs and would smell the next day. Therefore, the manna was only good for that day, and the next day required that day's manna to provide nourishment to the Israelites.
That passage in Exodus was encouraging to me because I knew with each morning, the Lord would provide me with manna to make it through that day. At times, I would pray for that manna on an hourly basis on a particularly bad day. It was encouraging to know that He was always there with me, each moment of the day and He was strengthening me for His ultimate glory. The critical thing to realize is that I could not rely on the manna of yesterday to get me through today, I needed to actively pursue the Lord in asking for manna for today. Because as the Israelites found out, the manna would only last for that one day and they would need to go out and collect to get nourishment for the next day. In the same sense, I needed the manna for the day or for the hour or for the minute and to continue pursuing Him the following day or hour or minute. As I said, it was a time of intense stretching, but one that I am thankful for, as it has done some great things in me.
I'm not finished yet, as I will require manna each day that He allows me to live on this earth. The pain has diminished significantly, but I realize that I need the Lord just as much everyday. Times of suffering are really sweet in the sense that they drive you closer to the Lord, but it is important to realize that even in 'good' times, we still need to actively engage our Lord. That is something that I have taken for granted for many years, and by His grace, I am growing in this area and realizing that He wants me to give up and lay my burdens on Him and to go through the day using the manna that He provided for me. I do believe at rock-bottom places, we can only look up to Him in our brokenness and trust that He is going to pull us out--which He absolutely will do for us if we call on His name and ask to be strengthened by His spirit.
It's funny how a song can stimulate all of these thoughts... but it was a song that spoke truth to me and it was wonderful to be reminded of how great our God is to take our burdens and He absolutely is strong enough for the two of us :)
Wednesday's car ride provided just that for me. It was a song by Matthew West, called "Strong Enough." Here's a sampling of the lyrics:
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough for the both of us
Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out
This song spoke a lot to me about my struggles of the previous couple months. There were times when I knew that I could not operate on my own strength and the only way that I was going to make it was through His strength. It was a minute-by-minute battle at times that I would have to actively surrender to Him and ask for His strength to sustain me. It was a period of sustained 'stretching' -- meaning that I felt continually exerted and fatigued both emotionally, physically, and spiritually. But it was a great time, as my walk with the Lord became so beautiful and intimate. There were times where I knew that only through His strength would allow me to get through that day. And then I would pray the following morning for strength to get through that day... it was an encouraging way to start my day as opposed to wallowing in self-pity as a result of my unenviable circumstances.
An encouraging passage for me was in Exodus, when the Lord provides for the Israelites in crazy, supernatural ways. Leading them out of Egypt was gnarly in itself, but He loved them so much that He stuck with them knowing that they would fall away from Him. He even provided for them when they would grumble and complain against Him. In Exodus 16, the Lord provides manna for the Israelites six days out of the week (with the seventh being the Sabbath, so they would collect twice as much on the sixth day). The days before the Sabbath, some of the Israelites would get greedy and try to take extra and store it for the next day. However, the manna would be filled with bugs and would smell the next day. Therefore, the manna was only good for that day, and the next day required that day's manna to provide nourishment to the Israelites.
That passage in Exodus was encouraging to me because I knew with each morning, the Lord would provide me with manna to make it through that day. At times, I would pray for that manna on an hourly basis on a particularly bad day. It was encouraging to know that He was always there with me, each moment of the day and He was strengthening me for His ultimate glory. The critical thing to realize is that I could not rely on the manna of yesterday to get me through today, I needed to actively pursue the Lord in asking for manna for today. Because as the Israelites found out, the manna would only last for that one day and they would need to go out and collect to get nourishment for the next day. In the same sense, I needed the manna for the day or for the hour or for the minute and to continue pursuing Him the following day or hour or minute. As I said, it was a time of intense stretching, but one that I am thankful for, as it has done some great things in me.
I'm not finished yet, as I will require manna each day that He allows me to live on this earth. The pain has diminished significantly, but I realize that I need the Lord just as much everyday. Times of suffering are really sweet in the sense that they drive you closer to the Lord, but it is important to realize that even in 'good' times, we still need to actively engage our Lord. That is something that I have taken for granted for many years, and by His grace, I am growing in this area and realizing that He wants me to give up and lay my burdens on Him and to go through the day using the manna that He provided for me. I do believe at rock-bottom places, we can only look up to Him in our brokenness and trust that He is going to pull us out--which He absolutely will do for us if we call on His name and ask to be strengthened by His spirit.
It's funny how a song can stimulate all of these thoughts... but it was a song that spoke truth to me and it was wonderful to be reminded of how great our God is to take our burdens and He absolutely is strong enough for the two of us :)
31 March 2011
My Spring Break
So yesterday, I enjoyed a lengthy 14-hour car ride to get to Lakeview, Oregon with my dad. We're up at Thunder Ranch, where we are going to be filming a couple DVDs for gun enthusiasts that wish to know advanced defense techniques. We had our first day of shooting today and we have two days left here. It's absolutely beautiful up here! There's still snow on the hills and its so peaceful!!
Yesterday our ride out was awesome, our rented car had XM Radio, and we were able to listen to The Message the whole way up... 14 hours of Worship music was awesome!
The next few days will constitute my Spring Break... as last week I was driving down to Orange County for an interview, then back and forth from Santa Barbara to San Diego bring back my things. It was a long, exhausting week. I left Santa Barbara late Thursday night last week after going to the first Reality Santa Barbara prayer meeting. I'm so excited to see how the Lord is going to reclaim Santa Barbara for His glory!! There's a lot of things going on below the service in that city and it will be great to see how the Lord uses Reality and other churches in the area to make all things new.
So after a few days here on Thunder Ranch, I'm looking forward to a couple days of snowboardin at Mammoth!! They have so much snow up there right now, it's gonna be so much fun!
Pictures coming soon! The internet here is real slow, but I'll try posting another time.
Yesterday our ride out was awesome, our rented car had XM Radio, and we were able to listen to The Message the whole way up... 14 hours of Worship music was awesome!
The next few days will constitute my Spring Break... as last week I was driving down to Orange County for an interview, then back and forth from Santa Barbara to San Diego bring back my things. It was a long, exhausting week. I left Santa Barbara late Thursday night last week after going to the first Reality Santa Barbara prayer meeting. I'm so excited to see how the Lord is going to reclaim Santa Barbara for His glory!! There's a lot of things going on below the service in that city and it will be great to see how the Lord uses Reality and other churches in the area to make all things new.
So after a few days here on Thunder Ranch, I'm looking forward to a couple days of snowboardin at Mammoth!! They have so much snow up there right now, it's gonna be so much fun!
Pictures coming soon! The internet here is real slow, but I'll try posting another time.
26 March 2011
Done with College!!
Wow. I'm done. I cannot believe it!! These seriously have been the most awesome four years of my life, each year was unique and has impacted me monumentally. It's crazy to think I'm done already. I'm happy I chose to double major, if I didn't, I would have been done a year ago!
I'm looking forward to blogging more now that I don't have to worry about reading, midterms, papers, etc. It is such a relief to be done with it all. When I walked out of my last final I wanted to yell and clap my hands but I decided against it out of respect to the rest of my classmates. However, I had a celebratory fist pump and walked out of the hall with a little bit of a swagger I'll admit.
Now that I'm graduated, I feel as though the world is at my fingertips. I've been praying for the Lord to speak to me through His word on what He would like me to do. I don't have much direction yet, but I'm going to take it one step at a time. I had an interview earlier this week with Enterprise Rent-A-Car for a management position. I felt the interview went pretty well, except for one glaring weakness: they wanted someone with extensive sales experience. I was content knowing that if the Lord wanted me to do that and it would be for His glory, then I would get a second interview... my peace came from Him in that instance. As it happens, I received an impersonal email from their HR representative today that they would be moving forward with other candidates. To be honest, I was rather relieved to have received this news because I have been reading reviews of the company online and they have the trainees wash the cars of the fleet in their suits and that they regularly expect you to work 6 days out of the week. It was a wonderful experience getting to interview with them, and I was thankful just to be interviewed.
It was great relying on the Lord in this time and trusting Him in His goodness and knowing that wherever I end up will be for His glory. For now, I'll be opening doors and seeing if I am invited in.
This past quarter at UCSB was probably my most rewarding and redeeming of college. It started out miserably to say the least, as my relational failure weighed heavy on my heart for a long time... I was prone to guilt and shame, which the enemy tried to exploit and keep me down. However, I met God in such an authentic way these past few weeks and have been super stoked to continually press into Him for rest and renewal. I met so many encouraging people as well this quarter, and was able to pour into them and love on them. Likewise, they were able to love on me as well.
I wish I could have remained in Santa Barbara for Spring Quarter, as I feel there is some unfinished business to attend to there. However, as one door closes, another is bound to open. Therefore, I am excited to take full advantage of the opportunities given to me here in San Diego by reconnecting with old friends and trying out a couple different churches to establish community here. Community is so important... it definitely impacted me positively. I'm still praying on whether the Lord wants me to remain in San Diego just for the short-term, or if He's calling me somewhere else. It brings me peace to know that He is with me.
I'm looking forward to resting in the mystery and beauty of the gospel. More posts to come soon :) I promise!
I'm looking forward to blogging more now that I don't have to worry about reading, midterms, papers, etc. It is such a relief to be done with it all. When I walked out of my last final I wanted to yell and clap my hands but I decided against it out of respect to the rest of my classmates. However, I had a celebratory fist pump and walked out of the hall with a little bit of a swagger I'll admit.
Now that I'm graduated, I feel as though the world is at my fingertips. I've been praying for the Lord to speak to me through His word on what He would like me to do. I don't have much direction yet, but I'm going to take it one step at a time. I had an interview earlier this week with Enterprise Rent-A-Car for a management position. I felt the interview went pretty well, except for one glaring weakness: they wanted someone with extensive sales experience. I was content knowing that if the Lord wanted me to do that and it would be for His glory, then I would get a second interview... my peace came from Him in that instance. As it happens, I received an impersonal email from their HR representative today that they would be moving forward with other candidates. To be honest, I was rather relieved to have received this news because I have been reading reviews of the company online and they have the trainees wash the cars of the fleet in their suits and that they regularly expect you to work 6 days out of the week. It was a wonderful experience getting to interview with them, and I was thankful just to be interviewed.
It was great relying on the Lord in this time and trusting Him in His goodness and knowing that wherever I end up will be for His glory. For now, I'll be opening doors and seeing if I am invited in.
This past quarter at UCSB was probably my most rewarding and redeeming of college. It started out miserably to say the least, as my relational failure weighed heavy on my heart for a long time... I was prone to guilt and shame, which the enemy tried to exploit and keep me down. However, I met God in such an authentic way these past few weeks and have been super stoked to continually press into Him for rest and renewal. I met so many encouraging people as well this quarter, and was able to pour into them and love on them. Likewise, they were able to love on me as well.
I wish I could have remained in Santa Barbara for Spring Quarter, as I feel there is some unfinished business to attend to there. However, as one door closes, another is bound to open. Therefore, I am excited to take full advantage of the opportunities given to me here in San Diego by reconnecting with old friends and trying out a couple different churches to establish community here. Community is so important... it definitely impacted me positively. I'm still praying on whether the Lord wants me to remain in San Diego just for the short-term, or if He's calling me somewhere else. It brings me peace to know that He is with me.
I'm looking forward to resting in the mystery and beauty of the gospel. More posts to come soon :) I promise!
09 January 2011
Radical Change
I'm going to label today a landmark day for me. I woke up at 4:00 am, went to Reality Carp at 7:45 and felt a radical change in my walk with the Lord. It was awesome. As I mentioned in my previous post, I had been doing some real soul searching and seeking the Lord more fervently than I ever have. Since my dating relationship has ended, I have been pressing into Jesus on a daily basis multiple times a day. It has been awesome and I am experiencing transformation in my heart that I hope continues. I want to be aggressive with my pursuit of Jesus, not passive and lukewarm.
Anyway, today was a really sweet day today. As I said, I woke up pretty darn early to head to church today. For those of you who know me, waking up earlier than 9 is a struggle for me... maybe even 10. However, I felt called to sacrifice my sleep and get up to Carp to worship the Lord.
The message centered on Joy in Gospel Peace (Relational Peace), found in Philippians 4:1-9. It was a great message and was super convicting for me. It was great that it focused on relationships, as I mentioned I have been having a hard time with my relationship with my girlfriend ending. It was super convicting because during the relationship, I did not have my joy centered around the person of Jesus and knowing that I am accepted by God because of His death on the Cross... even though I did nothing to deserve this acceptance. In fact, I have done so many bad things I really do deserve death, as it is written the wages of sin are death. However, Christ sacrificed Himself for each and every one of us so that we could have eternal life... which is gnarly!!! Anyway, my joy should have come from that and my citizenship is in heaven... meaning that the circumstances and trials here on earth are not it for me, but when I leave this earth there will be no more sorrow and pain, but the joy of getting to be with Jesus!!
I unknowingly used my dating relationship as a source of joy... sometimes even taking the place of my joy in the Lord, which is in fact idolatry. When the relationship was going well, I was super happy. Like really happy. However, when it was going bad, as it had been for the past few months unfortunately, I felt deprived of joy and very down. This was sinful, and therefore it made it exceedingly difficult for me to assume my role as the man in the relationship and lead it towards Christ.
I was convicted today because I was not going to the author of Joy, Love, Peace, and Self-Control, I was going to a relationship that involved two sinful people for joy. I didn't do this all the time, but I did do it at crucial times, which is not okay. My peace should have come from Him alone as well.
One of the points of the message was that if you are idolizing something (turning something, even a good thing, into a God thing or loving it more than God) and you are using that relationship, or bank account, or title to bring you joy, you are on shaky ground. When those things are taken away, you are left shaken and your joy would disappear. However, if your joy and love and satisfaction and peace are found in the Lord, when you encounter suffering and difficultly (which we all will undoubtedly struggle with as we live in a fallen world) you are still joyful and peaceful knowing that He is in control and He will make all things for His glory ultimately. This is a crazy point, but one that hit home for me.
After hearing the message, during worship I got down on my knees and had such a surreal experience with His Spirit. I felt so comforted and warm and at peace. I'm praying the peace of the Lord will transcend my understanding and I will walk in His grace each day I am alotted on this earth.
These two posts were needed and I feel better after typing this all out. I love journaling, but I cannot write nearly as fast as I type so that poses unique problems. I am happy I was able to post today, and now it is time to focus on my readings for my last three classes in college! Crazy!
Love you all who read this!
Anyway, today was a really sweet day today. As I said, I woke up pretty darn early to head to church today. For those of you who know me, waking up earlier than 9 is a struggle for me... maybe even 10. However, I felt called to sacrifice my sleep and get up to Carp to worship the Lord.
The message centered on Joy in Gospel Peace (Relational Peace), found in Philippians 4:1-9. It was a great message and was super convicting for me. It was great that it focused on relationships, as I mentioned I have been having a hard time with my relationship with my girlfriend ending. It was super convicting because during the relationship, I did not have my joy centered around the person of Jesus and knowing that I am accepted by God because of His death on the Cross... even though I did nothing to deserve this acceptance. In fact, I have done so many bad things I really do deserve death, as it is written the wages of sin are death. However, Christ sacrificed Himself for each and every one of us so that we could have eternal life... which is gnarly!!! Anyway, my joy should have come from that and my citizenship is in heaven... meaning that the circumstances and trials here on earth are not it for me, but when I leave this earth there will be no more sorrow and pain, but the joy of getting to be with Jesus!!
I unknowingly used my dating relationship as a source of joy... sometimes even taking the place of my joy in the Lord, which is in fact idolatry. When the relationship was going well, I was super happy. Like really happy. However, when it was going bad, as it had been for the past few months unfortunately, I felt deprived of joy and very down. This was sinful, and therefore it made it exceedingly difficult for me to assume my role as the man in the relationship and lead it towards Christ.
I was convicted today because I was not going to the author of Joy, Love, Peace, and Self-Control, I was going to a relationship that involved two sinful people for joy. I didn't do this all the time, but I did do it at crucial times, which is not okay. My peace should have come from Him alone as well.
One of the points of the message was that if you are idolizing something (turning something, even a good thing, into a God thing or loving it more than God) and you are using that relationship, or bank account, or title to bring you joy, you are on shaky ground. When those things are taken away, you are left shaken and your joy would disappear. However, if your joy and love and satisfaction and peace are found in the Lord, when you encounter suffering and difficultly (which we all will undoubtedly struggle with as we live in a fallen world) you are still joyful and peaceful knowing that He is in control and He will make all things for His glory ultimately. This is a crazy point, but one that hit home for me.
After hearing the message, during worship I got down on my knees and had such a surreal experience with His Spirit. I felt so comforted and warm and at peace. I'm praying the peace of the Lord will transcend my understanding and I will walk in His grace each day I am alotted on this earth.
These two posts were needed and I feel better after typing this all out. I love journaling, but I cannot write nearly as fast as I type so that poses unique problems. I am happy I was able to post today, and now it is time to focus on my readings for my last three classes in college! Crazy!
Love you all who read this!
2011... A Defining Year
It's been a long time since I've been on here, part of the reason for that is that I have been keeping a journal that I have been pretty consistent with since the beginning of November. It would be a challenge for me to journal and turn around and blog as well. Journaling has been great, I have struggled with consistency in that area for a long time. However, the upturn in my journaliing reflects the conditions that I have found myself in.
In the past couple months, I have been enduring the difficulty of losing my relationship with my longtime girlfriend. In the height of our relationship, we discussed very serious topics such as our futures together after college and we were even discussing marriage plans. However, the Lord wanted something different for each of us, and after a few weeks of stubbornness I think we are now in obedience to His will. The last couple months have been very trying, but good because I have been pressing into the Lord.
Over these past couple months I have learned some very important lessons, albeit the hard way. Very hard way actually.
I've learned how important it is to never be content or stagnate in my relationship with God. The past few weeks I have zeroed in on that truth, and I have been craving the Lord more each day, as I need more of His grace and strength to get me through each day. It has been hard though, as I am struggling to surrender my life to Him and trust Him fully. It is a daily battle for me to die to myself so that I could live in Christ. Some days or even some periods of the day that seems so beneficial and easy, while other times it is exceedingly difficult. I've been struggling with that over the past week, but I'm seeking His guidance and His will in this area of my life so that I may discover my purpose here on this earth.
It has been difficult for me to accept these conditions because I feel that I have been enlightened to a certain degree on what it looks like to pursue a woman in a Godly way and in a way that makes her feel special and loved. However, if it were not for the difficulties of the past two months, I would not be in this place I am today and might still be in a relationship where we continually hurt one another because the relationship was not existing for His glory.
I trust Him though... I can say that with absolute certainty. I do not have all the answers, nor will I ever claim that, but I do know that my plans are in His hands and He has all the answers.
As a result of all this hurt and pain caused by this relationship, I can honestly say I am joyful in the Lord that it happened. It stings a lot, but I realize I am a better man because of it. I now appreciate the significance of surrendering my will to His will. I'm not completely sure what that will look like on a daily basis, but I'm praying for His spirit to enrich my understanding and intimacy with Him. I think that is a start.
Oh Lord, keep me close to You. Have your way with me. Let my last quarter at UCSB reflect your glory.
In the past couple months, I have been enduring the difficulty of losing my relationship with my longtime girlfriend. In the height of our relationship, we discussed very serious topics such as our futures together after college and we were even discussing marriage plans. However, the Lord wanted something different for each of us, and after a few weeks of stubbornness I think we are now in obedience to His will. The last couple months have been very trying, but good because I have been pressing into the Lord.
Over these past couple months I have learned some very important lessons, albeit the hard way. Very hard way actually.
I've learned how important it is to never be content or stagnate in my relationship with God. The past few weeks I have zeroed in on that truth, and I have been craving the Lord more each day, as I need more of His grace and strength to get me through each day. It has been hard though, as I am struggling to surrender my life to Him and trust Him fully. It is a daily battle for me to die to myself so that I could live in Christ. Some days or even some periods of the day that seems so beneficial and easy, while other times it is exceedingly difficult. I've been struggling with that over the past week, but I'm seeking His guidance and His will in this area of my life so that I may discover my purpose here on this earth.
It has been difficult for me to accept these conditions because I feel that I have been enlightened to a certain degree on what it looks like to pursue a woman in a Godly way and in a way that makes her feel special and loved. However, if it were not for the difficulties of the past two months, I would not be in this place I am today and might still be in a relationship where we continually hurt one another because the relationship was not existing for His glory.
I trust Him though... I can say that with absolute certainty. I do not have all the answers, nor will I ever claim that, but I do know that my plans are in His hands and He has all the answers.
As a result of all this hurt and pain caused by this relationship, I can honestly say I am joyful in the Lord that it happened. It stings a lot, but I realize I am a better man because of it. I now appreciate the significance of surrendering my will to His will. I'm not completely sure what that will look like on a daily basis, but I'm praying for His spirit to enrich my understanding and intimacy with Him. I think that is a start.
Oh Lord, keep me close to You. Have your way with me. Let my last quarter at UCSB reflect your glory.
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