It's been a long time since I've been on here, part of the reason for that is that I have been keeping a journal that I have been pretty consistent with since the beginning of November. It would be a challenge for me to journal and turn around and blog as well. Journaling has been great, I have struggled with consistency in that area for a long time. However, the upturn in my journaliing reflects the conditions that I have found myself in.
In the past couple months, I have been enduring the difficulty of losing my relationship with my longtime girlfriend. In the height of our relationship, we discussed very serious topics such as our futures together after college and we were even discussing marriage plans. However, the Lord wanted something different for each of us, and after a few weeks of stubbornness I think we are now in obedience to His will. The last couple months have been very trying, but good because I have been pressing into the Lord.
Over these past couple months I have learned some very important lessons, albeit the hard way. Very hard way actually.
I've learned how important it is to never be content or stagnate in my relationship with God. The past few weeks I have zeroed in on that truth, and I have been craving the Lord more each day, as I need more of His grace and strength to get me through each day. It has been hard though, as I am struggling to surrender my life to Him and trust Him fully. It is a daily battle for me to die to myself so that I could live in Christ. Some days or even some periods of the day that seems so beneficial and easy, while other times it is exceedingly difficult. I've been struggling with that over the past week, but I'm seeking His guidance and His will in this area of my life so that I may discover my purpose here on this earth.
It has been difficult for me to accept these conditions because I feel that I have been enlightened to a certain degree on what it looks like to pursue a woman in a Godly way and in a way that makes her feel special and loved. However, if it were not for the difficulties of the past two months, I would not be in this place I am today and might still be in a relationship where we continually hurt one another because the relationship was not existing for His glory.
I trust Him though... I can say that with absolute certainty. I do not have all the answers, nor will I ever claim that, but I do know that my plans are in His hands and He has all the answers.
As a result of all this hurt and pain caused by this relationship, I can honestly say I am joyful in the Lord that it happened. It stings a lot, but I realize I am a better man because of it. I now appreciate the significance of surrendering my will to His will. I'm not completely sure what that will look like on a daily basis, but I'm praying for His spirit to enrich my understanding and intimacy with Him. I think that is a start.
Oh Lord, keep me close to You. Have your way with me. Let my last quarter at UCSB reflect your glory.
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