Two years down, two to go; what a scary, scary thought. A mere two years ago, I was a graduating senior with the world at my fingertips. Today, I just completed my sophomore year and survived [somehow] on cooking for myself and essentially tending to my person. I was able to forge crucial, vulnerable relationships with my housemates—which was/is a monumentally glorious blessing. I’ve changed immensely since September, in more ways than one.
Finally, I’m starting to come around to the idea of
fully going after God with everything I’ve got. A year ago, I would [there’s no other way to describe it] half-ass “God stuff.” Case in point, I viewed reading the bible as the equivalent of homework. Absurd right? Well that was my desires [the flesh] doing its best attempt to ‘override’ the spirit. In some ways, my shrugging off the bible is still prevalent, but not nearly as often. Days that I spend in the word, somehow, are more
fulfilling. But the stress and craziness of a daily routine makes it easy to neglect this crucial element in my life. Now that it is summer, it is my intention to get fully immersed in the Word of God—with good reason.
I made the commitment next year to lead a bible study for freshmen guys in an entire dorm for UCSB. I’m so excited for this opportunity, but I need to be ready. My mechanism to ensure this readiness is going to be a) Walking in
relationship with God on a
daily, consistent basis, and b)
giving him my time in his word.
God truly transforms lives, which he has done remarkably well in me. A year ago, I would never have dreamed having a desire to lead a bible study, but here I am—standing on the brink and ready to jump.
I have full consonance in this decision, as He divinely interceded in my life for me to accept this exciting responsibility.
In March, I received a letter from the UCSB department of Communication that applauded me in my performance in the discipline, and that they wanted me to partner with a professor and work on a Senior Thesis. I was blown away by this letter, as it was so unexpected. At that point in time, I was feeling pretty apathetic concerning school, as (frankly) I was bored with it. However, I viewed this as an exciting new opportunity, and I figured that God was providing me with something great. My plans were different from His, but the events following this initial surprise brought me to the light.
Before spring break, I met with the chair of this Senior Honors Program, and learned that I would produce a year-long study on some aspect of communication, and it would have the validity of a genuine study, with the lucrative possibility of being published in a communication journal. My initial reaction was one of pure joy; I was so pumped for the prospect of getting published. This possibility did have a cost, as it would require 40-50 hours a week of my time to bring it to fruition by next Spring. I was motivated, and accepted this cost, as the rewards of being published would surely outweigh them. This was my flesh enacting its role again, as this was a pretty self-indulgent viewpoint to say the least.
There was one pivotal wrinkle that had the potential to spoil my dream. That pesky inhibitor turned out to be my major grade point average, as you needed to maintain a 3.5 (cumulative) in the comm major to continue in this research process. At the time of this process, my GPA was a 3.48 for the major, which meant this opportunity was entirely conditional. There was very strict enforcement of this GPA rule, so I knew I had to get an “A” in one of my two comm classes from that quarter (Nonverbal or Small Group Comm), and I was on the cusp for those as well, with a borderline A- in nonverbal, and a B in small group. Needless to say, the buildup to Finals week was intense, as I hated small group that I resigned myself to at least maintaining a B, and was counting on the fact I could ace my nonverbal final. This was compounded by another variable, as I had to take my nonverbal final five days early because I was going to Oregon with my dad (which would be a whole post on its own for that awesome six days minus the crazy drive).
Anyway, to keep this post from reaching epic proportions, I suppose I should wrap this story up. I ended up just missing out on the senior honors program. I got a B+ on my final for nonverbal, and my final grade reflected a 89.2%, so eight-tenths of a percent away from a desired A-. The professor wouldn’t change it because he offered extra credit (with which I took full advantage, but was just short). As for small group, which the course was graded on 400 points, I managed 362 of them, which left me just two points shy from an A-. My TA refused to budge, even though I apprised him of the situation. The pair of B+’s dropped my GPA for the major to a 3.36, thus rendering my conditional participation in the program nonexistent.
At first, I was essentially livid with myself that I didn’t perform better on the two finals. But I realized I did the best that I could, and it just wasn’t meant to be. I’m getting better about letting things go, and thankfully, that blunted the initial pain.
As one door closes, another is bound to open. In my case, this could not be more accurate. I was pondering my decision-making process concerning the honors thesis [which I initially was in favor of devoting upswing of 50 hours a week] and comparing it to my view on the possibility of leading a missional team. I was willing to devote a huge amount of time to a project, rather than investing myself in relationships with struggling freshmen.
This would be the congruent of a shepherd snacking on a BigMac while wolves were devouring his sheep. I’m surprised God didn’t smite me for my selfishness. But He is the source of grace, and led me to harmony in my decision.
I know this is a long post, but it’s the first ‘real’ post I’ve had in months on this thing. This summer is going to be different, and blogging is going to be a vital part of my growth. My quiet times will take place between me and my creator, but my reflections afterward will be posted on here.
I’m so stoked for this summer, as I’ll be working at the La Jolla Beach and Tennis Club once again, and I’m hoping to be on mission for my coworkers, as none of them walk closely with the Lord. I’ve been praying for boldness, and specifically for four of the guys on the beach crew that I hope to talk to. Who knows, God might do something crazy.
If I can have the faith of a child, God will work through me and be glorified. Summer’s here, time to be missional!
