This past week has been gnarly. From a week ago to now, I feel that I have been on a considerable tiresome journey. I'm being tested, monumentally. Often, I pray to the Lord that He would grow me in patience and having grace for others. The funny thing about that prayer is patience and love and grace is not easily acquired. When I pray for these things, the Lord does not all of a sudden magically grant me these faculties as if I rubbed a rubbed an antique lamp with a genie. These gifts are only acquired through trial and perseverance. It's easy to love and have grace or patience for somebody when you are on good terms with that person, but when things 'go south' and quickly escalate out of nothing, then these are tested.
Because of this, I consider myself ironically foolish. Of course I would love to grow in the Lord and in my walk with Him by honoring Him by loving others as myself, but it is exceedingly difficult. With His grace, I am growing in this, but ever so slowly. I consider myself foolish on account of my repeated stubbornness in praying for those things because I am tested. This is tested by coworkers who cuss me out, annoying drivers on the freeway, rude people in classes, and of course personal relationships with friends and family.
As I mentioned previously, this has been a tough week. A good week though nonetheless. My sister came up to SB this weekend, which was awesome! I loved getting to see her and I am so blessed to have her as my sister, and incredibly blessed to be as close to her as I am. Our relationship is considerably different than it was four years ago before I elected to come up here for school, but it is different in an awesome way. Though no longer living across the hall from one another, we still maintain close contact-- the value in that cannot be quantified. She was able to come to Adorn with me this past friday, which is a college group at Reality Carp that meets once a week. It was my first time there since June and it was great to be back. The message and worship was mind-blowing, there will be another post on that in the very near future. Furthermore, my sister and I both got rocked by the Spirit, which was crazy awesome.
There is a meaning behind the title of this post, as I feel my life suffers from lack of consistency. As a result of being a college student, my schedule changes invariably throughout the day, and trying to coordinate that with another person is challenging to say the least. Furthermore, I have been experiencing ups and downs with lots of joy and with lots of despair. Tonight is a night of despair, while just 24 hours ago I was filled with joy at how beautiful God is. Something inside of me needs to change, I'm going to be praying to find out what exactly that is, but having extremes is not healthy and will only lead to more hurt and pain. Therefore, I need a God who will lift me up out of the miry clay and stand me up to worship Him. Thank goodness I'm not alone in this battle, as He is right here fighting alongside me. What great comfort that is!
02 October 2010
I love you Lord
In the midst of difficulty, I will still love you
In the moment of my pain, I will still trust in your goodness
In my brokenness, I will follow you still
You alone are good
My heart is in your hands Lord
I pray you would take my heart, my mind and my soul
All of it
Empty me Lord, so that I may bear your fruit
You are life. You are truth. You are sovereign.
You are love. You are strength. You are gentle.
You alone are good.
Lord, help me trust in you and your plan for my life. Your will, not mine.
Amen
In the moment of my pain, I will still trust in your goodness
In my brokenness, I will follow you still
You alone are good
My heart is in your hands Lord
I pray you would take my heart, my mind and my soul
All of it
Empty me Lord, so that I may bear your fruit
You are life. You are truth. You are sovereign.
You are love. You are strength. You are gentle.
You alone are good.
Lord, help me trust in you and your plan for my life. Your will, not mine.
Amen
25 September 2010
2010: A Year with Substantial Change
10 months. Almost to the day. That's been how long I have been away from blogging on here.
In that time, I have done some crazy things that are shaping my future. I have forged a very serious relationship with my wonderful girlfriend, Lisa. Everything good is a gift from the Lord, and I have been extremely blessed to be in a relationship with her.
As a result of being in a serious relationship, I have come to the profound realization that I need to be right with Jesus before I am right with my girlfriend... this can be applied to any other relationship I have with anyone, both professionally and personally. Recently, this has dominated my thoughts. My relationship with the Lord is much different than it was a year ago, I now appreciate the importance of maintaining a close relationship with Him. In short, I have failed. More than once. As a result, my relationship with my family, friends, and girlfriend have suffered.
The Lord calls the man to be the spiritual head of the family, and to take ownership. If the couple enters into sin, the responsibility rests in the man, not the woman. As a result of the Fall of Man, men will have a difficulty to provide for their family, and their wives will not easily submit to their husband and will attempt to rule over him. While walking in the Flesh, this indeed has come to pass in my life. And as a result, I have lost my way with the Lord. The ramifications of that have been devastating... getting up early in the morning has been impossible [save for summer when I was compelled to by my morning shifts]. Therefore, my time spent with the Lord has grown to be obsolete in my life, as I am too busy once I finally do wake up to spend time with Him. Something is profoundly wrong with that, and it needs to change... or else I will be buried in the troubles I am bound to face.
I have recently been reading Proverbs, seeking words of wisdom. And let me tell you, there are plenty. Proverbs 24:32-34 has definitely been one that I need to look out for. In essence, these three verses demonstrate that it takes little for someone to become a sluggard. I don't want that, and as a result of my laziness, my time with the Lord has not been what it should be... especially because I am leading a woman and a bible study. How can I expect to lead either entity closer to the Lord if I am not walking daily with Him?
That is a question that a person in my position should not be asking... and it needs to change. And it can only come from the power of the Holy Spirit... not by my efforts, because time and time again it has not been enough.
Lord God, I realize I need more of you and less of me. Show me ways in which I can decrease, so that you can increase in my life. I am not happy with myself right now, and I pray that you would take those feelings away from me because that is the enemy trying to gain some influence on me. I pray against that O Lord. I ask you would fill me with Your Spirit so I can love like you have loved me... I cannot do this within myself and I admit that to you. I pray I can relinquish my hold on my life, and I can give myself to you and give you all of me, and not just the leftovers or what I feel like giving you that day. Convict me and lead me by Your Spirit. I pray your words of truth and of life would monumentally impact how I lead my life. Thank you for your death on the Cross, and thank you for allowing me to have that personal relationship with you. I pray all this in your name, amen.
This won't be my last post... I need this space to just unload my thoughts and to think/meditate on how fortunate and blessed I am to be in the position I am in. It is all for His glory, not mine and I trust that He will deliver me from this, I just need to trust Him more. Gnarly first post... more to come in due time.
In that time, I have done some crazy things that are shaping my future. I have forged a very serious relationship with my wonderful girlfriend, Lisa. Everything good is a gift from the Lord, and I have been extremely blessed to be in a relationship with her.
As a result of being in a serious relationship, I have come to the profound realization that I need to be right with Jesus before I am right with my girlfriend... this can be applied to any other relationship I have with anyone, both professionally and personally. Recently, this has dominated my thoughts. My relationship with the Lord is much different than it was a year ago, I now appreciate the importance of maintaining a close relationship with Him. In short, I have failed. More than once. As a result, my relationship with my family, friends, and girlfriend have suffered.
The Lord calls the man to be the spiritual head of the family, and to take ownership. If the couple enters into sin, the responsibility rests in the man, not the woman. As a result of the Fall of Man, men will have a difficulty to provide for their family, and their wives will not easily submit to their husband and will attempt to rule over him. While walking in the Flesh, this indeed has come to pass in my life. And as a result, I have lost my way with the Lord. The ramifications of that have been devastating... getting up early in the morning has been impossible [save for summer when I was compelled to by my morning shifts]. Therefore, my time spent with the Lord has grown to be obsolete in my life, as I am too busy once I finally do wake up to spend time with Him. Something is profoundly wrong with that, and it needs to change... or else I will be buried in the troubles I am bound to face.
I have recently been reading Proverbs, seeking words of wisdom. And let me tell you, there are plenty. Proverbs 24:32-34 has definitely been one that I need to look out for. In essence, these three verses demonstrate that it takes little for someone to become a sluggard. I don't want that, and as a result of my laziness, my time with the Lord has not been what it should be... especially because I am leading a woman and a bible study. How can I expect to lead either entity closer to the Lord if I am not walking daily with Him?
That is a question that a person in my position should not be asking... and it needs to change. And it can only come from the power of the Holy Spirit... not by my efforts, because time and time again it has not been enough.
Lord God, I realize I need more of you and less of me. Show me ways in which I can decrease, so that you can increase in my life. I am not happy with myself right now, and I pray that you would take those feelings away from me because that is the enemy trying to gain some influence on me. I pray against that O Lord. I ask you would fill me with Your Spirit so I can love like you have loved me... I cannot do this within myself and I admit that to you. I pray I can relinquish my hold on my life, and I can give myself to you and give you all of me, and not just the leftovers or what I feel like giving you that day. Convict me and lead me by Your Spirit. I pray your words of truth and of life would monumentally impact how I lead my life. Thank you for your death on the Cross, and thank you for allowing me to have that personal relationship with you. I pray all this in your name, amen.
This won't be my last post... I need this space to just unload my thoughts and to think/meditate on how fortunate and blessed I am to be in the position I am in. It is all for His glory, not mine and I trust that He will deliver me from this, I just need to trust Him more. Gnarly first post... more to come in due time.
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