Lately, I've been struggling with some issues in my life, especially things from my past. As I'm preparing to leave for college, I'm hoping to get over these hurdles, which have been compounded with an old relationship that I used to have.
Last night as I kept tossing and turning to fall asleep, I asked God for me to let it go. Those three simple words are the most crucial part of enjoying happy times for me, yet it seems as the most impossible of tasks for me to complete. I'm hoping with lots of prayer, i'll be able to let things go with ease and my life will not be consumed with unecessary situations.
There's a song by the Casting Crowns that leaves a stirring emotion that screams in my soul: Set Me Free. I feel I hold myself in bondage more than anything else: I put tons of pressure on myself to do well at anything that I pursue. More often than not, I find myself not living up to my expectations and that brings me down faster than a tub of lard going overboard during a storm in the ocean.
Through the course of the song, the speaker (i.e. me in my life) screams out that there have been brighter days before "the dark ones came, stole my mind, wrapped my soul in chains." I let 'dark ones' in my life each an every day. For too long I have let little things add up in my life to leave me unexpectedly unloading on someone who doesn't deserve it. In the song, as the speaker sounds utterly hopeless, "a man" comes toward him and the "dark ones" shriek and scream his name.
Of course that man is Jesus and he inititates the contact. As the speaker shouts "set me free of the chains holding me," the God-Man passes by and asks one simple phrase that I wish for all of the world that he would ask me: "do you want to be free."
Throughout the Bible, there are many instances when people beg to be healed by Jesus. By just touching the hem of his garment, one lady is healed. I need to pursue an active relationship with Him, I know He's waiting for me to let Him in. I have so many fortifications built up over the years that I've tried desperately to make myself self-reliant. I have a sense of severe shame when I let somebody else down or I don't do a job right. I work very hard to keep away from this, and this alone acts as a motivation for me to succeed. Right now I'm questioning if that is the right motivation.
Why be successful? How are successful people motivated? Money? Greed? Fame? I don't know. I am putting so much pressure on myself to be successful, but I don't know why I'm doing it. More than anything else, I want to honor my best blessing in life, my parents. I feel by succeeding, I'll make them proud, which will make them very pround, but I don't know if that's the right attitude either? No parent wants to see there kids fail, right?
I can guarentee that they would want me to be happy with what I pursue, because its no fun if there is no happiness. But I feel that in order to be happy, I want to make a legitimate impact on the world around me. I don't know how I'd do it or even why I want to so badly.
God has a plan for everybody, for some they feel 'called' to something, like a pastor, fire fighter, mechanic or professor. I don't know what God's plans are for me. I don't like being left in the dark and I like to know things upfront. Not much of a Mystery Man I guess. I'm hoping my questions will be answered in my college experience. Maybe not knowing has become chains all on their own, I'm putting so much emphasis on wanting to do the best that I can do that I am essentially ignoring God's plan for me.
What if he wants to test me by having me fail, at everything? That is one of my deepest fears that his plan for me ends with me doing nothing to impact my surroundings; which, for me, is a failure. See, this is why I am questioning why I am motivated to do things. This post was supposed to be about letting go of stuff. I need to let go of my personal pride and come to God with everything I have, which is something that seems so hard and impossible. I don't how I'll get through this frame of thought, I'll pray pray pray that I can give things to God and let go. I'm praying for His grace to rain down and that I won't be afraid.
Another thing that bugs me about myself is I apologize too much. I've opened up pretty big in my opinion on here, and I'd like to apologize if I said anything that seems absolutely ridiculous. In a sense, I feel an apology is the best way to solve some problems, I have relied on religiously for my whole life. I don consider myself a caring person and I'll sometimes put the feelings of others before mine and I'll apologize, even though I meant what I had said in the first place. This certainly sounds like another blog. Maybe I'll sign up for Mr. Phil. Just kidding.
Hopefully I'm not insane, and that I will eventually find reasons behind my motivation. I am so motivated to do the best that I can do, and so as of today, I have been pretty successful. But I just don't know what is powering my motivation... crazy stuff.
Boy oh boy, this definately is my longest blog as of date. I could write so much more but I need recollect my thoughts so I don't go on a mindless rampage. Hopefully this isn't too abstract.
Adios amigos.
30 August 2007
29 August 2007
From Krazy Kids to Some pretty Stupid people
In my last post I was talking about how parents have made some mistakes in teaching their kids things that are not useful. I'll elaborate on this for a little bit, then I have an entirely new subject. So here goes.
Going back to my experience at Dave and Busters (with the young girl whipping her card through the games with ease), it goes to show how much things have changed in the past decade. When I was that age, I know I wouldn't have had a clue how to use the power card throughout the place. I still have trouble with my personal credit card at the gas pump... just kidding. But learning that 'art' at such a young age has to have some long term effect on the girl cause when she gets to be my age she will probably be capable of wielding four or five credit cards with brutal effiency... a credit card company's dream. Also with the young kid I saw at Target, he will probably be hooked on playing for another 15-20 years or so, which will probably deter from his homework and social skills. Society has changed so much (understatement of the world) over the years, as the influx of tv, internet, and video games provides the only social interaction for kids of all ages. It's sad.
Okay, well hopefully my thoughts are still coherent cause I'm starting to get a little droopy eyed. The next topic is losers who must have nothing better to do than to whine and complain on SignOnSanDiego.com, the official website of the Union-Tribune. Awhile back they introduced a "comments" section at the end of every article. Any article dealing with something as affirmative action, racial profiling, sexual discrimination and so on will induce literally tens of dozens of comments. An overwhelming majority of the people on there must be bored to say the same thing everytime something political comes up, unfortunately most of them are Liberals so the comments lack any kind of common sense and humor. These "Macho" types get to the point of wanting a physical confrontation just to prove the legitimacy of their incoherent point. But it certainly gives me some entertainment. I spend more time reading the comments than I do reading the article. I think at some point if I am bored out of my mind, I'd like to get a fake screen name and stir stuff up a bit. We'll see, but I wouldn't dare admit it. ;)
Stupid people in general really bug me. A lot. Of course, I'm sure to some people too I'm an absolute baffoon too, so life is weird circle all the way around. I think I might actually "publish" this post before midnight, which is pretty awesome. Haha.
Well hopefully i'll be able to come up with a post soon, cause I don't like to keep my devoted readers waiting. haha.. in my dreams.
Peace
Going back to my experience at Dave and Busters (with the young girl whipping her card through the games with ease), it goes to show how much things have changed in the past decade. When I was that age, I know I wouldn't have had a clue how to use the power card throughout the place. I still have trouble with my personal credit card at the gas pump... just kidding. But learning that 'art' at such a young age has to have some long term effect on the girl cause when she gets to be my age she will probably be capable of wielding four or five credit cards with brutal effiency... a credit card company's dream. Also with the young kid I saw at Target, he will probably be hooked on playing for another 15-20 years or so, which will probably deter from his homework and social skills. Society has changed so much (understatement of the world) over the years, as the influx of tv, internet, and video games provides the only social interaction for kids of all ages. It's sad.
Okay, well hopefully my thoughts are still coherent cause I'm starting to get a little droopy eyed. The next topic is losers who must have nothing better to do than to whine and complain on SignOnSanDiego.com, the official website of the Union-Tribune. Awhile back they introduced a "comments" section at the end of every article. Any article dealing with something as affirmative action, racial profiling, sexual discrimination and so on will induce literally tens of dozens of comments. An overwhelming majority of the people on there must be bored to say the same thing everytime something political comes up, unfortunately most of them are Liberals so the comments lack any kind of common sense and humor. These "Macho" types get to the point of wanting a physical confrontation just to prove the legitimacy of their incoherent point. But it certainly gives me some entertainment. I spend more time reading the comments than I do reading the article. I think at some point if I am bored out of my mind, I'd like to get a fake screen name and stir stuff up a bit. We'll see, but I wouldn't dare admit it. ;)
Stupid people in general really bug me. A lot. Of course, I'm sure to some people too I'm an absolute baffoon too, so life is weird circle all the way around. I think I might actually "publish" this post before midnight, which is pretty awesome. Haha.
Well hopefully i'll be able to come up with a post soon, cause I don't like to keep my devoted readers waiting. haha.. in my dreams.
Peace
24 August 2007
Numero Dos
For the past couple days it has been pretty cool to walk around thinking of different topics to write about for my next blog. Unfortunately it has been a few days since my last blog. For today's blog there are a couple things floating around in my head and I'll recap my last couple days to lead-in to this occurrence.
First I'd like to talk about Thursday. An old small group leader, took me and the guys out to Dave and Busters for the night, where we grabbed some grub and played some fun games. We had a meal that cost $15 a plate and you get a $10 "Power Card," which is like a credit card for games there. It took me a few games to master the swiping motion of the dumb thing.
After finally learning to swipe the card with finesse, me and the group found a really fun trivia type game and it had us hooked for the rest of the night. I wish I hadn't wasted some of my "credits" before we discovered this amazing thing. Based on my sole experience with Dave and Buster's, it acts like a Chuck E. Cheese for adults. Through the ranks of older people scrambling to find their next game with a mug in their hand, I saw a fourish-old girl right along with them whipping her Power Card with an experienced intensity. I almost tripped over my lower lip after watching her for a few seconds. This doens't seem too relevant, but that's the start of my topic for today's (early) blog. After a good 25 minutes of typing this blog is ready to go.
Yesterday, or you could say two days ago now to be technical, I was in Target with my parents after watching Bourne Ultimatum (good movie by the way, lots of action to last me a good while) and I noticed another young kid doing something that I thought unbelievable. At the video game section of the store this kid was playing some game on a PS3 and he looked like he had been playing it all his life. His coordination was surprisingly good. At that age I was lucky to play my Gameboy with much success.
As I'm starting to get tired, its a little after 12:30, I'll make the argument that kids are not being taught the "right" things these days by their parents. Of course, who am I to pass judgement since I am not a parent, thankfully. I will continue this post with my argument, hopefully sometime in the next 24 hours.
Until next time, hasta la vista baby.
First I'd like to talk about Thursday. An old small group leader, took me and the guys out to Dave and Busters for the night, where we grabbed some grub and played some fun games. We had a meal that cost $15 a plate and you get a $10 "Power Card," which is like a credit card for games there. It took me a few games to master the swiping motion of the dumb thing.
After finally learning to swipe the card with finesse, me and the group found a really fun trivia type game and it had us hooked for the rest of the night. I wish I hadn't wasted some of my "credits" before we discovered this amazing thing. Based on my sole experience with Dave and Buster's, it acts like a Chuck E. Cheese for adults. Through the ranks of older people scrambling to find their next game with a mug in their hand, I saw a fourish-old girl right along with them whipping her Power Card with an experienced intensity. I almost tripped over my lower lip after watching her for a few seconds. This doens't seem too relevant, but that's the start of my topic for today's (early) blog. After a good 25 minutes of typing this blog is ready to go.
Yesterday, or you could say two days ago now to be technical, I was in Target with my parents after watching Bourne Ultimatum (good movie by the way, lots of action to last me a good while) and I noticed another young kid doing something that I thought unbelievable. At the video game section of the store this kid was playing some game on a PS3 and he looked like he had been playing it all his life. His coordination was surprisingly good. At that age I was lucky to play my Gameboy with much success.
As I'm starting to get tired, its a little after 12:30, I'll make the argument that kids are not being taught the "right" things these days by their parents. Of course, who am I to pass judgement since I am not a parent, thankfully. I will continue this post with my argument, hopefully sometime in the next 24 hours.
Until next time, hasta la vista baby.
22 August 2007
The First One...
I've been thinking about getting a blog for awhile now. Since I'll be gone from the familiarity of San Diego in a matter of weeks, I think this is a great idea to jot my thoughts down on anything and everything that's going on in my life. I definately hope to stay in contact with people that have certainly left an impact on my life and this could provide the perfect opportunity. It's a bit ironic that I'm starting my blogging experience at a time where I'm "supposed" to be asleep, but obviously that's not the case, as is the norm. I'm hoping that I can be pretty religious about this so years from now I can look back at my anxieties about college and life.
Right now, I really feel I'm on the brink of endless opportunities. Which, as a point in focus, going to a school with 20,000+ people and literally hundreds of different interest groups, there are countless opportunities to take advantage of while I'm there. I'm going to do everything possible to ensure that this goes better than high school, which will not take much for sure. I worked hard in high school, and it pays off with my going in as a sophomore at SB, but I want to enjoy what I do rather than sink in a mountain load of work. The party scene is not an appeal, as I've seen first hand as how it influences people's character and decision making. I'm going to be looking for people who can have a great time without the influence of alcohol, and they certainly will be around. Maybe we'll be able to turn the trend at SB into a more positive one. If one thing is going for me as I leave home, I am highly motivated to put SB as a leading institution in the country, so people will start to pick UCSB over freaking Bezerkeley. I picked Santa Barbara for many reasons over Berkeley, and I hope others will begin to do the same.
So we'll how it goes. I think this was pretty good for a first post. I banged out this bad boy in just about twenty minutes, and I'm starting to feel tired so I think I may succumb. There will definately be a lot more to come in the future, this is pretty cool stuff.
Alrighty mates, cheerio.
Right now, I really feel I'm on the brink of endless opportunities. Which, as a point in focus, going to a school with 20,000+ people and literally hundreds of different interest groups, there are countless opportunities to take advantage of while I'm there. I'm going to do everything possible to ensure that this goes better than high school, which will not take much for sure. I worked hard in high school, and it pays off with my going in as a sophomore at SB, but I want to enjoy what I do rather than sink in a mountain load of work. The party scene is not an appeal, as I've seen first hand as how it influences people's character and decision making. I'm going to be looking for people who can have a great time without the influence of alcohol, and they certainly will be around. Maybe we'll be able to turn the trend at SB into a more positive one. If one thing is going for me as I leave home, I am highly motivated to put SB as a leading institution in the country, so people will start to pick UCSB over freaking Bezerkeley. I picked Santa Barbara for many reasons over Berkeley, and I hope others will begin to do the same.
So we'll how it goes. I think this was pretty good for a first post. I banged out this bad boy in just about twenty minutes, and I'm starting to feel tired so I think I may succumb. There will definately be a lot more to come in the future, this is pretty cool stuff.
Alrighty mates, cheerio.
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