Letting Go and Digging Deep

Lately, I've been struggling with some issues in my life, especially things from my past. As I'm preparing to leave for college, I'm hoping to get over these hurdles, which have been compounded with an old relationship that I used to have.

Last night as I kept tossing and turning to fall asleep, I asked God for me to let it go. Those three simple words are the most crucial part of enjoying happy times for me, yet it seems as the most impossible of tasks for me to complete. I'm hoping with lots of prayer, i'll be able to let things go with ease and my life will not be consumed with unecessary situations.

There's a song by the Casting Crowns that leaves a stirring emotion that screams in my soul: Set Me Free. I feel I hold myself in bondage more than anything else: I put tons of pressure on myself to do well at anything that I pursue. More often than not, I find myself not living up to my expectations and that brings me down faster than a tub of lard going overboard during a storm in the ocean.

Through the course of the song, the speaker (i.e. me in my life) screams out that there have been brighter days before "the dark ones came, stole my mind, wrapped my soul in chains." I let 'dark ones' in my life each an every day. For too long I have let little things add up in my life to leave me unexpectedly unloading on someone who doesn't deserve it. In the song, as the speaker sounds utterly hopeless, "a man" comes toward him and the "dark ones" shriek and scream his name.

Of course that man is Jesus and he inititates the contact. As the speaker shouts "set me free of the chains holding me," the God-Man passes by and asks one simple phrase that I wish for all of the world that he would ask me: "do you want to be free."

Throughout the Bible, there are many instances when people beg to be healed by Jesus. By just touching the hem of his garment, one lady is healed. I need to pursue an active relationship with Him, I know He's waiting for me to let Him in. I have so many fortifications built up over the years that I've tried desperately to make myself self-reliant. I have a sense of severe shame when I let somebody else down or I don't do a job right. I work very hard to keep away from this, and this alone acts as a motivation for me to succeed. Right now I'm questioning if that is the right motivation.

Why be successful? How are successful people motivated? Money? Greed? Fame? I don't know. I am putting so much pressure on myself to be successful, but I don't know why I'm doing it. More than anything else, I want to honor my best blessing in life, my parents. I feel by succeeding, I'll make them proud, which will make them very pround, but I don't know if that's the right attitude either? No parent wants to see there kids fail, right?

I can guarentee that they would want me to be happy with what I pursue, because its no fun if there is no happiness. But I feel that in order to be happy, I want to make a legitimate impact on the world around me. I don't know how I'd do it or even why I want to so badly.

God has a plan for everybody, for some they feel 'called' to something, like a pastor, fire fighter, mechanic or professor. I don't know what God's plans are for me. I don't like being left in the dark and I like to know things upfront. Not much of a Mystery Man I guess. I'm hoping my questions will be answered in my college experience. Maybe not knowing has become chains all on their own, I'm putting so much emphasis on wanting to do the best that I can do that I am essentially ignoring God's plan for me.

What if he wants to test me by having me fail, at everything? That is one of my deepest fears that his plan for me ends with me doing nothing to impact my surroundings; which, for me, is a failure. See, this is why I am questioning why I am motivated to do things. This post was supposed to be about letting go of stuff. I need to let go of my personal pride and come to God with everything I have, which is something that seems so hard and impossible. I don't how I'll get through this frame of thought, I'll pray pray pray that I can give things to God and let go. I'm praying for His grace to rain down and that I won't be afraid.

Another thing that bugs me about myself is I apologize too much. I've opened up pretty big in my opinion on here, and I'd like to apologize if I said anything that seems absolutely ridiculous. In a sense, I feel an apology is the best way to solve some problems, I have relied on religiously for my whole life. I don consider myself a caring person and I'll sometimes put the feelings of others before mine and I'll apologize, even though I meant what I had said in the first place. This certainly sounds like another blog. Maybe I'll sign up for Mr. Phil. Just kidding.

Hopefully I'm not insane, and that I will eventually find reasons behind my motivation. I am so motivated to do the best that I can do, and so as of today, I have been pretty successful. But I just don't know what is powering my motivation... crazy stuff.

Boy oh boy, this definately is my longest blog as of date. I could write so much more but I need recollect my thoughts so I don't go on a mindless rampage. Hopefully this isn't too abstract.

Adios amigos.