So late last night (saturday night) I was awake. Big shocker, I know. And I was praying out to God because I have been so unbelievably insecure these past few days. Like big time.
I've waited the entire summer (which has been quite a loooooonnnnggg one) to head to SB and now it is less than a week away. I do not feel ready emotionally or physically... even literally as there are still some lingering items I need to purchase. So the past few days, I have been trudging in a gloom of downright despair because I feel so insecure in myself and my ability to make a difference at SB.
In an "ideal" frame of mind, I would launch an assault for straight A's in the classroom, working to pay off the ridiculous fees of college, actively immersing myself in a few interesting clubs, pursuing different intramural activities, and taking a vehement stance against partying. That is quite a list, and I know it's downright impossible.
So last night, I was crying out to God because one lingering insecurity has left the rest of me in self-made bonds: what in the world has God called me to do? I have no idea, the list above are ideals I would like to pursue, but who knows what I'll be able to accomplish.
I went to bed unsatisified. God didn't appear out of a burning bush in my room to tell me what His plans are for me. I didn't feel anything from him on any level whatsoever. I felt alone and... insecure. But as His way goes, our teachin pastor at Journey, Ed, based his message on this very topic in relation to Moses. And boy oh boy did that shake me a good one.
Ed made some great points and identified five "movements" that we could make in an effort to discover and pursue our calling. He made references to God's calling of Moses while he endured 40 years in the desert.
1. Turning Aside (Exodus 3:3) -- Moses sees the burning bush in the desert and deliberately turns towards God and asks the question: How can it not be God? Not, how can it be God? There is a difference in the two questions, and by asking the first, we are in fact affirming God.
2. Moses was Called By God, To God, For God. (Exodus 3:5-8) God knew for eons of years that he would use Moses to take his chosen people into "a land flowing with milk and honey." Moses had no idea that day would forever change his life, and because he turned aside, we know the story.
3. Working throught the "Why Nots" (Exodus 3:10-12 & 14) -- This perturbing fact of my life that I had been dealing with the night before, surfaced in the middle of Ed's message. How awesome God is! When Moses is having doubts about the rebuking attitude he surely would face, God simply told him "certainly I will be with you." This was the most stirring moment of the morning for me, because I realize Jesus faced the same ridicule from people everywhere he went, even though he was producing the most magnificent miracles this world had ever seen. So in my life, I am going to have to somehow get tuned in to God and know He is with me. I still don't know what my calling is at SB, but whatever it is, God will be with me... every single step of the way. That thought in itself certainly helps eliminate my insecurities.
Ed identified two more steps, but in order for me to coherently be aware of what I'm talking about, I'm going to have to call it a night. Hopefully I can finish this in the morning.
Jade out.
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