I'm an Idiot

As of late, this summer is shaping up to be both similar, yet distinctively different from the previous two.

In sum: My Summer of 2007 was unlike any other as I naively viewed it as my 'last' one in San Diego. As a result I concocted a quasi-tour of San Diego, visiting numerous locations like Mt. Soledad and the Del in Coronado, etc. Recollecting my blogs from that summer, I appeared unaware God was working through me--I was especially both spiritually ignorant and generally uncomfortable because of it. I blew an excellent opportunity to get into the Word, more deeply and fully... but failed to do so thanks to other pursuits. For the life of me I don't know why I didn't work that summer because it effectively commenced in the beginning of May that year. Regardless, events from that summer have helped shape me to the person I am this very moment.

I consider my summer of 2008 to be a low-point in my spiritual journey. I was angry, discontent and consumed by my ineptness and continual failure in my attempt to find a job. It took a solid month and a half and a considerable dose of humility for me to finally land a job. After that desperate search, I worked a second job... combining for over 12 hours a day of just working. As a result, I was practically coerced to cut God out of my life and look elsewhere for satisfaction and contentment. I was angry at God before job hunting and my home situation, and this feeling of malcontent continued to the extent I would scarcely acknowledge his presence. Fortunately, however, He is the source of Grace... thus forcing His way back into my life. This breakthrough occurred thanks to me living with 5 other Christian men, and I am now able to look at that situation with different eyes and realize God never let go and continued to mold me.

So, now... This discussion leads me to the Summer of 2009. The past 5-6 weeks of summer have truly been a blur. After finals, I was home a matter of days before embarking for Disney World. The time in between home and DW, I bought my first Study Bible (NIV), which will definitely prove to be a handy tool in my pursuits as a missional team leader at UCSB. However, while on the trip, there was scarcely time to breathe, let alone read this cumbersome bible. Unfortunately, this general tone has persisted throughout the Summer...

I work 40 hours a week; but in truth, I'm either getting ready/driving to work/driving home probably 50 hours a week. Of course, this isn't extreme busyness to the extent where I can make the pitiful excuse not to read the Word. I've been feeling convicted lately... as I seem to be following along a similar path by choosing other things before God. The world makes it so incredibly effortless to put other things before the Father. In fact, the world encourages such behavior by saying its okay if we indulge in our own pursuits as we only live once, and if you're not living to satisfy these unquenchable desires, then you're not really living.
Its so easy to flex one finger and turn on the TV and watch it for hours--even if the content isn't edifying.
Its so easy to turn on a computer and be tempted to waste away on sites that aren't exactly edifying either.

Using an example that has been eating at me lately is this: it is so, so incredibly easy to conform to the standards of this world (like drinking or sex to name just a couple) just to be accepted by others. In fact the world encourages it, as it is only normal for a young, unmarried man to be promiscuous and self-indulgent. I'd be lying if I said it isn't the least bit tempting. Fact is, people choose to pursue worldly lifestyles (I do it too, I'm definitely not trying to come across as a Holier than Thou blubbering idiot) because it appears normal and it is so readily available. However, as Christ-followers, we are not called to be 'normal' and live safe lives... we're called to love one another as ourselves (which is exceedingly difficult and very abnormal in eyes the world) and love our Father with all our heart, soul, and mind (something that the world distracts us by targeting fragments of our heart, soul and mind for money, popularity, jealously and other worldly things to divide our devotion to the Father).

Faith without sight requires a lot of work. I wish (more and more often) that I could just kick it with Jesus for a little bit: that magically he'd *poof* and show up in my house and give me divine advice or whatever. I'm not saying that he's not capable of this, but the reality is, we've got to pray and talk to him as if he physically is sitting next to us. Of course, the reality of this entire scenario is blocked by the blindness that cripples us. The handle of tequila or sexy lady is much more tangible and readily accessible for those that crave these elements. My knee-jerk mindset while praying or thinking about Jesus is that he's a million miles away, hanging out in heaven with the angels and their glittery wings. However, I try to remind myself that He definitely isn't... he's right with me all the time... both in moments when I'm glorifying him or not.

There's so much more I could write about this, but I must make another excuse and say its time for bed. I feel as though I complicate things too much and maybe this whole thing doesn't make sense that I'm trying to talk about. That's fine if it doesn't, as I'm journaling my thoughts and am consequently making them available for public viewing.

I've got a long way to go but here's a tidbit I picked up on a Facebook status by a Pastor in Carpinteria: "The chief aim of man is to glorify the Father." How truly simple, yet so terribly complicated is it for us to attain our sole purpose. It wasn't always meant to be so difficult... but talking about that would require numerous blog postings. Maybe I'll take up this issue later, but maybe not.

More blogs to come in the near future I hope. I'm feeling convicted to get into the Word, rather than waste time making excuses for it. Oh the joy of being me. :)

Cheers.